How To Catch Unhelpful Negative Thoughts

Every single self-help book I’ve ever read all exhort the discipline of controlling our thoughts and thinking positively. Whether it’s a book about being happy, finding your strength, losing weight or gaining wealth. Then there’s this thing that we’re told: we must have the right mindset to succeed. But the question I had was how are we to control our thoughts when we have about 60,000 thoughts a day, around 45 thoughts a minute and 90% of these thoughts are repetitive. If we’re busy working and living, what is the process of controlling these 45 thoughts a minute and won’t it take up time that we don’t have? Plus what if these thoughts are negative and you’re in such a deep funk that you have no idea how to change them because it’s just the way you’ve always thought? What if we were surrounded by negativity in our childhood and bring that negativity into adulthood? How are we to change who we are?

I’ve finally figured this out. I didn’t do it alone. In my last blog, I wrote about the benefits of a life coach. My cousin asked me recently if it was like therapy and was it covered. No, it’s not covered, but it should be. Is it like therapy? It was for me because it helped me to recognize how my thoughts were preventing me from reaching some of my goals. My goal was to write consistently. I especially wanted to blog consistently to help others reach their goals. Many other people do it. Why did I have such resistance. Here’s a reconstructed life coach conversation (shortened of course but you’ll get the drift).

Coach: Did you blog this week?

Me: No. I was going to, and I made time for it, but…

Coach: Tell me what happened.

Me: I sat down to blog and then I felt sick.

Coach: Sick? Explain.

Me: My stomach hurt. I felt terrible. I couldn’t focus. I felt dizzy.

Coach: What were you thinking in that moment? Try to remember.

Me: I thought that no-one would read it. I thought it wasn’t important. That it was too much work. There’s technology involved. Every time I open up the blog, it’s like I have to re-learn how to do it from scratch. I still can’t upload pictures. I don’t blog often enough so every time it’s like this huge effort to figure it out. Then I just convince myself it’s not worth it.

At this point, the coach will dissect all of these thoughts to go even deeper.

Coach: So what if technology is involved. Why is this a probem?

Me: Why does it have to be so hard? Why does everything have to be so hard? Can’t even one thing be easy and enjoyable?

Coach: It’s your choice to write a blog. You don’t have to.

Me: I have to.

Coach: Why do you feel you have to?

Me: I want to help people. I want to share what I’ve learned.

Coach: When your brain says it’s too hard, this is when you remind yourself why you want to do this.

Me: What if someone thinks my blog is stupid?

Coach: They might. I guarantee that some people will think it’s stupid. Will you let that stop you?

(At this point, I’m still whiny and self-pitying and trying to avoid the hard questions. The coach would also have addressed the all-or-nothing thinking involved in the statement, “Why does everything have to be so hard?” pointing out that not everything is hard and getting me to come up with examples of things that are easy).

Me: Why am I so resistant to doing what I say I love?

Coach: Because you’re telling yourself all these negative thoughts. Why would you want to sit down and write if you’re telling yourself it’s too much work, that you’re not capable, that people will find it stupid, that it’s impossible for you to learn the technology involved? These thoughts run your subconscious and then you feel bad, so you don’t write. But you feel bad for not writing. So you might as well write. The first step is when you start feeling bad, sick, or anxious, ask yourself what were you just thinking. This gets easier as you start to catch the thoughts. Once you catch the thoughts, use realistic affirmations to change them: I am learning to write a blog. I’m experimenting. This is exciting.

Me: Ok. (Still a little whiny and immersed in victimhood)

Coach: This procrastination is a habit. It’s not your character. Create a reward to motivate the brain after you’ve written the blog. This process of catching your thoughts gets easier. Like anything else, it takes practice. You don’t want to feel the negative feelings but you are feeling them anyway and not getting what you want. So you might as well take action and get what you want.

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This is a shortened version of the process I learned that helped me take control of my thoughts. When those negative thoughts start running rampant, I’m more aware of them and more able to change them. It’s not easy. It applies to everything from how we feel on a Monday morning to starting an exercise program. It is the difference between getting along with people including our loves ones to strangers; to dealing with an illness; to starting a new business or learning a new skill. Our thoughts have everything to do with learning to love ourselves and the world we live in, to creating happier homes and workplaces. It is learning the difference between thoughts that harm our self-worth and confidence and those that make us live happier, more rewarding lives.